December 19, 2003
A Parent's Guide to Teacher Feedback
Ever wonder what your child's high school teacher really means when he or she reports that "Johnny's work effort is deficient"? Most likely, if you gave the teacher the opportunity to comment anonymously and with blatant honesty--as students can now do for their teachers--it would come out more like this: "If Johnny would pull his head out of his behind for just five minutes a day and make even the most trivial effort to do anything at all, his average would double overnight (from 25 to 50)."
I'm currently doing a stint as a long-term sub teaching AP Calculus, Trig/Precalc, and a couple flavors of Algebra at a highly-ranked public high school in Connecticut. Now, I don't come from an "education" background--I did spend almost eight years teaching math and computer science at both a public and a private university, but I never studied "education" per se--and so my expectations of student behavior were way off the mark when I took the long-term sub assignment.
I've learned there are several differences between teaching at the university level versus the high school level, a significant one being that of dealing with parents. University professors don't deal with parents. They go directly to the student: "Johnny, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're an idiot and you don't belong in this class. Here, I've prefilled this drop card for you since I wasn't sure you knew all the words. Now, be a nice boy and go be a problem in someone else's life."
In high school it's all different. Rather than just telling the student what he or she needs to hear with reasonable expectations that he or she can act on it, we disguise the real message with politically-correct twenty-first century touchy-feely phrasology and communicate it to the parents instead. I guess the expectation is that the parents will find this reason enough to take a break from their six-figure job and actually talk to their child. Anyway, at our school we have over one-hundred of these convenient phrases all standardized and ready to go.
I've observed that while teachers enter these comment codes into the computer, e.g. a "21" for "Needs extra help", they usually verbalize to anyone else who happens to be in the room what they really mean: "Your child doesn't geit it, has never gotten it, and in all likelihood never will get it, but we know several $75 per hour tutors who'd be happy to have a crack at her." So, now that I'm on the "other" side and have the inside scoop on what these things really mean, I thought I'd prepare this handy conversion chart for parents to use to translate the feedback they get from their children's teachers.
Oh, and before anyone flames me and asks "If you don't like children then why are you teaching," let me set the record straight. I love children. I have about 150 kids in my classes right now and I love them all, even the stupid ones. (Yes, there are stupid students just like there are stupid people; any teacher who tells you there are no stupid students is either lying or self-deluded.) Anyway, I love them all. What I don't love is the education system. Real problems are buried so far beneath bureaucracy, political correctness, "sensitivity" concerns, personal agendas, and so much other crap that kids who really need help almost never truly get it. Honest communication just doesn't seem to exist in the secondary education system in this country. I thought I'd give you some, so don't confuse honesty with a lack of concern; they are not the same.
Finally, before we get to The Guide, yes, this is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I doubt there's a high school teacher in the country, and most likely a large percentage of parents, that won't recognize the truth behind each of these.
Okay, on to The Guide . . .
| What the Teacher Says | What the Teacher Means |
| Poor attendance is affecting performance | I think I actually saw your child one time. Long black hair, black clothes, black trenchcoat, smells like cigarette smoke? If you could send in a photo it might help me recognize him if he comes to class again. |
| Oral communication needs improvement | Your child's entire vocabulary appears to consist of 117 curse words and two pronouns. |
| Oral communication has improved | Your child learned a new curse word this week. |
| Well-suited to a career in public service | The phrase "Would you like fries with that?" will be very helpful in your child's future. Have him practice it on a daily basis. |
| Basic math skills are deficient | Unfortunately your child can't add one plus one even with a calculator. |
| Wears inappropriate clothing | Being dressed like a fifteen-year-old prostitute is probably the reason your daughter got frostbite during the fire drill last week. |
| Lacking necessary course materials | Your son lost another textbook. The replacement is $50. Should we put it on his tab? |
| Parental reinforcement recommended | If you'd talk to your child for just a few minutes at least once every other month, then maybe it wouldn't come as a complete surprise to find out that she's failing all her classes. |
| Comes unprepared to class | No textbook, no pencil, no notebook, no calculator, no homework. Does bring his Nomad Jukebox everday, however. |
| Does not follow directions well | In the off chance that your child was actually listening to what was being assigned in the first place, he would refuse to do it anyway. |
| Follows directions well | Actually did what was asked for once! Nearly caused a disturbance in the Force. |
| Written work needs better structure | If I could read your child's writing, then there might be at least a chance I could grade it. |
| Written expression is problematic | Needs to learn that complete sentences typically contain more than one word. |
| Poor performance on fitness tests | Puked after walking one lap. Does he ever turn off the vidoe games and get off the couch? |
| Laboratory skills are deficient | Lit the student next to him on fire while playing with the bunsen burner. |
| Please telephone teacher | Your child's behavior and performance are so far outside our standards that we actually don't have codes to describe him. |
| Differentiated instruction has been given to student | I put his lazy butt in another room and and told him to actually attempt to do something for a change. |
| Student should edit his/her writing more diligently | The plagiarism was way too easy to catch. |
| Disrespectful toward teacher and peers | Okay, I said I loved all students. I lied. Your son is a nasty, foul-mouthed, immature, disrespectful brat. Any chance you're moving any time soon? |
December 17, 2003
The Return of the King
Not perfect, perhaps, but very, very close. 